Aya is an African American with South American heritage, who was born and raised Muslim. She is the proud mother of an 11 year-old son, Nile, who is in the 6th grade. A year and a half ago, she relocated from New Jersey to Charlotte, North Carolina. She wants to increase financial literacy within the African American community and has been a therapist for 15 years.
What is your parenting philosophy, especially when it comes to discussing racism and Islamophobia with your son?
I do not have an actual parenting philosophy but an approach to parenting, which includes speaking the truth and being responsible to change things. I reject the older parenting thought that ‘children should be seen not heard’. I try to be transparent with him, gentler with myself, apologize for doing something wrong and modeling how to be responsible adult who has emotional intelligence. I do the best that I can. I want him to always feel respected and loved, even if I do not always agree with him.
A lot of Black parents have the “talk” with their children about how to interact with police and authority figures. Have you had that “talk” with Nile? Did your parents have it with you?
No, my parents did not have the “talk” with me. My parents were more fearful for the men than women as women were the protected class. As a Black male, Nile has the benefit of not being viewed as Muslim…not recognized. People are able to get to know him with no pretense of this is what a Muslim is, see him as being Nile. He cannot choose to cover up his skin, this is your face. I do have conversations with Nile that people may not respect his beliefs. He can choose to be known as Muslim. We discuss how people may put you in situations you may not be comfortable in, police may stop you because of your skin, and how to handle those situations.
Has your son experienced racism and Islamophobia? How did you handle it?
There was an incident at Nile’s new school, where the substitute teacher was reviewing the mandated section on major religions. Another student started asking questions on Islam. The teacher wanted to know why they were asking questions then in front of the class said, “I do not like Muslims”. I spoke to the principal and requested that the teacher’s license be suspended as she isn’t meant to be working with a diverse population of children. If I found out she taught my child again, then I would take it further and get the ACLU involved. I had conversation with Nile about how he felt and how it affected the rest of his day. I explained to him that there is nothing wrong or shameful with being Black and Muslim. He is the face of who he is. This is the first time people in this community, rural, uneducated, coal miners, are actually experiencing talking with Muslims. He receives the brut of their ignorance. He cannot change people’s point of view but he can stand up for himself.
Based on this experience have you thought about putting him in an Islamic school?
There are 2 in our area, one is very new and the academies are not where I would like them to be. My preference would be to establish some type of homeschooling co-ops with other Muslim families in the area.
Do you share the stories of the latest Black person being murdered by police with your son?
Yes. Young Black men do not get the luxury of being young. This is where I use my mother’s discernment. Sometimes he can be anxious about stuff like that, so I chose when and where to have those types of conversations. I do not tell him every time as it can be too overwhelming. We do not watch the news. I cannot combat every negative image but can prepare him. I try to create a balance with feeling safe at home. Things are going on in the world but we do not have to live in fear.
He learned that people have the capacity for violence at a very early age because Sandy Hook happened his first year of school. When the incident in New Zealand happened, I asked him if he is okay with talking about it. He did not want to talk about it too much.
What is the ethnic/racial mix of your Muslim community?
We’ve bounced around in different communities, made some connections but often times are “othered”. Get the question, what country am I from, assuming I’m from Africa and I cannot be American. I have noticed that a lot of predominantly African American Muslim communities have an older population and different religious philosophies. It can be difficult finding a place, Alhamdulillah, we make it work.
Have you thought about leaving the United States?
Where would it be safe, where would it be best, ignorance has spread to other places. I ask what does home look like. However, I did get my son his passport after Trump was elected and encouraged others to do the same. As an African American Muslim, I acknowledge that we will not be welcomed everywhere. Some of them do not want us, where do we go? Do we stick it out and make them accept us. I belong here but I can feel unsafe.
As a therapist, can you share tips on creating that balance between sharing information and not overwhelming them?
- Know your child- Would this conversation create a sense of fear when they do not have one.
- Be honest about what part you can do to protect them
- Role Playing – How would you respond in this situation? How does that feel?
- Be their safe place – Make your kids feel safe to bring up situations.
- Educate your child on racism, microaggressions and Islamophobia.
Kids do not necessary have the language but they do have the feelings. As parents we have to learn how to understand how they word their experience. It can be a hard job to do.
