Becoming a Muslim Woman

That Sunday, after the new moon has been sighted and grocery shopping for suhoor (pre-dawn breakfast) was purchased, Hafsa became a woman in the Islamic sense. Immediately after she gave me the news, I texted my sisters, sister-friends and my Black mother’s circle because I needed advice on how to navigate this new role for both of us and the best way to handle those important key conversations.

Steep uphill.

There were moments of yelling, by me. I kept repeating, “I’m not ready.” Eventually, minutes later, I gathered myself, on the outside, because I wanted to allow her emotions and feelings to lead and not my overreaction. But for a child who is normally very animated, she was calm and quiet.

Steadily climbing.

As our unit of three, we had an open discussion about the Islamic, emotional and physical changes she will experience. We explained that in the eyes of Allah, she is a Muslim woman and her deeds, both good and bad, are now being recorded. As a Muslim woman, she is required to cover full time, with only her hands, face and feet showing. Emotionally, she may feel sad, irritated, annoyed and emotionally exhausted around the “time of her month”. Physically, cramps and headaches could also become a monthly foe. We stress that all of the emotional and physical changes are normal, but since each person is different, she may feel more or less. Reminded her, that both of her parents are here to love and support her always. After our conversation, she said she was calm, felt fine and “exactly normal just like before”.

Climbing.

I thought and hoped I would have more time to prepare her, me, for this major change. How will wearing a hijab (Muslim headscarf) affect her school life, personality, and extracurricular activities? Would she become shy and hide behind her scarf? Would she use it as an excuse to stop her from pursuing her goals? I thought I would have more time. I thought she would have more time to be free, innocent and not covered. The pen was lifted and then it was not.

Loop.

My head was buzzing with all of the things that will have to change and all of the things she would have to do differently. Her pediatrician told me I would have more time, at least one more year.  “…But they plan, and Allah plans. And Allah is the best of planners.” (8: 30) Would she still attend swim camp? Would the public pool have a problem with her wearing a burkini? Do I want her wearing one? Would she be able to cover and continue in taekwondo? Should I cancel her hair appointments? What about the new summer clothes we just purchased including capris?

Fast decline.

Is it my fault that she reached this milestone before the average of 12? She was barely 4 months into her 10th year. Maybe if I had given her more vitamins, no meat, less fast food, more vegetables, no cow’s milk, this would not have happened so soon. Is it because of me, she could now expect a life of increased risk of depression, breast cancer, early menopause, osteoporosis, ovarian cancer, diabetes, stroke, and heart disease?

Loop.

How can this person, who still asks to be carried to bed, afraid of the dark and likes to cuddle, be considered an “Islamic woman”? Within seconds, she is no longer a girl but a woman. But she’s still a girl, who needs to be reminded to look both ways before crossing the street, to brush her teeth and who loves to sleep in her parent’s bed. Is she ready to become a “woman”? Am I ready?

Tight turn.

She was concerned that her friends would not recognize her or would treat her negatively. In breaking my heart, she told me not to be surprised if she was crying when I picked her up from school. “Your wealth and your children are but a trial, and Allah has with Him a great reward. (64:15). At that moment, all I wanted to do is protect her for pain, hardships, discomfort, and sadness and cover her in love. I wanted to tell her to stay home or to put off covering until she would no longer be nervous. What do I do when an Islam requirement is causing her discomfort?

Fast decline.

She was also worried about the practical issues of wearing hijab, what to do if her scarf accidentally comes off at recess or what if it is too hot. Those questions, I had a quick response for, if it comes off by accident then it is okay and to just put it back on. If she gets too hot then sit in the shade or ask to go back inside the school. When it is 90+ outside, it is going to be hot with or without a hijab on.

Sharp turn.

I was worried about the adultification of Black girls. With her hijab, you can’t see her pigtails, her baby face is hidden and she can look older than 10. Can we expect negative reactions from future teachers or schools because now she is identifiably Muslim and Black? Will the teachers who meet her next year think she will “need less nurturing, protection, and support” then her white peers, which may mean “fewer leadership and mentorship opportunities” for her at school.

Loop.

But I’m unapologetically, Muslim and Black. I’m extremely proud of all of my identities. I am who I am if folks have a problem with my existence in any space then it is them. I’ve existed more as a hijab covered Muslim woman then without. I’ve worked in corporate America for 15 plus years, traveled internationally for work and had overwhelmingly positive experiences. How can I have this attitude for myself but not for her? Why I’m thinking about throwing in the towel when there might not be a fight? Because I am her mother I do not share any of this with her. All she sees is the outside me, who is happily helping her pick out new clothes and planning her hijab party. This other person does not exist for her.

Steep uphill.

But she never said she didn’t want to cover. She only wanted people to treat her exactly like they did on Friday.

She never refused or complained. She is braver than me. On Tuesday, I pulled into the carpool lane with dread in my stomach, then I saw her face and it was not soaked with tears. Alhamdulillah, she had her regular smile. She had a good day. No one said anything negative and everyone treated her the same.

Fast turn.

My heart was instantly calm. Today was a good day but what about tomorrow, or the next day or the next week or the next year. Will they all be good days? I struggle with not knowing and wanting to protect her from all unhappiness or discomfort. But all I can do is turn my heart and head towards Allah. Asking Allah not only to strengthen her Islamic resolve but to support and protect her from the fear of practicing Islam, insecurities, worry, and from me and mine.